Room 101...

I happened to come across an old episode of Room 101 (the one with Phil Collins on it, who, by the way, looks completely different to how I had him in my head, to the point where I actually thought Paul Merton might have introduced him wrongly. Then I slapped myself mentally across the face and told myself in no uncertain terms to stop being so stupid) and this got me thinking of what I would put into Room 101. This is something I think every time I watch Room 101, and it always makes me want to be famous, just so I could go on it. (And also Secret Millionaire). So, here is my list...

1. Air conditioning. I absolutely loathe and detest air conditioning, to an almost insane level. I'm totally for it in hot countries which necessitate having a force 10 freezing cold blast of air in your face when it's 40 degrees (centigrade) outside but there's just NO NEED for it in Britain. Especially in offices, which is my pet hate. I hate it when you sit at your desk in artificially icy, fridge-like conditions, casually waving hello to that passing polar bear, who's loving his natural habitat recreation, while the sun splits the stones outside. In my local Specsavers, they have it up to such a level that I have to put my coat on when I go in, and if it's winter, I actually start to form icicles. My contact lenses dry out hugely in air conditioning, causing me to blink like a myopic rabbit every two seconds (perhaps that's why they have it in Specsavers? So you buy a pair of expensive designer glasses?) and I think it should be BANNED.

(Paul and the crowd are unanimously with me on this one and it clunks satisfyingly into Room 101, to the accompaniment of cheers from the audience).

2. Baby On Board signs. These are one of my pet hates, closely followed by car stickers (more on that in a minute). I don't understand why you need to tell the world that you are travelling with a baby. It certainly doesn't make me more likely to think, "Hmm, I was going to viciously ram the back of their Range Rover a moment ago, but now I've seen that they're carrying young life, I think I'll hold back, be a bit more careful with the brakes and not try to deliberately concertina my front bonnet into their back bumper. So lucky they've got that sign."

Whenever I bring this up in the pub, someone (usually playing devil's advocate) says, "But I thought it was for the firemen, in case there was an accident?" To this, I put to them that usually firemen (or, indeed, anyone) probably don't need a sign to direct them to the fact that there is a child seat and/or crying child in the car that may need to be rescued. I may be wrong, but I doubt anyone's ever not tried to rescue every passenger in a car because there wasn't an idividual sign-post pointing to their existence.

(Paul puts this one in too. I'm on a roll and try not to look too smug).

3. Bumper stickers. I genuinely don't care if you've been to Disneyland/Majorca/Hell, I don't care if the Sun Says Shit Happens, I don't care if you support the Women's Right To Choose, global warming, recycling or your right to own a pet llama, if your other car is an Bugatti Veyron, if you are a Christian, have a Baby On Board, Can Go From Nought To Bitch In 60 Seconds or have your very own tame squirrel named Dave. I don't need to read your opinions while I am driving, and I DON'T CARE. Also, anyone who has the 'If you can read this, you're driving too close' may have been on the receiving end of me driving incredibly close behind them in order to be deliberately contrary, while scowling viciously and training my tame squirrel to bite your ankles.

(There is a crowd vote on this one and it doesn't go into Room 101. I take it well, but secretly resolve to cover the studio, including audience, in superglue bumper stickers later)

4. The pronounciation of 'H' as 'H-aitch'. I don't know why, but this drives me up the wall, for no discernible reason. It's not like anyone ever mugged me while yelling 'H-aitch! H-aitch!' and I can't think of any other reason why I'd hate it. It does, however, make my skin crawl. This is a subset of my hatred of all bad grammar and spelling, but it would take too long to go into that, and I'd probably spell something wrong, therefore stepping all over my own point.

(Paul says yes because I've hypnotised him by this point with the boredom of my own chatter and the crowd goes wild).

I'm going to stop now, partly because I'm in danger of turning into a grumpy old cow, and partly because I can't stop having imaginary conversations with Paul Merton in my head.